Home » Annoyances » Who the fuck thinks of these things?

Who the fuck thinks of these things?

Ok, so I came across this post while I was browsing the internet, pretending to do my job, and I really, honest to god, snorted from laughing. I mean seriously, guys? NO. Beyond that, I would like to disect this list, just so you can understand that not every woman is a needy, emotional vampire. And since it’s my blog, I can do whatever the fuck I want. So here goes.

1. Ask her to dance.
*Ok, this one is really place/time specific. Chances are, if we are somewhere private like my apartment, I’m probably dancing anyway. I don’t need you to dance with me. In fact, were you to do so, I would probably stop dancing and just stare at you. Awkward! Now, a public place? Yeah, I’m probably still dancing anyway. Feel free to join, but again, it’s not necessary.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
*Alright, this one would only lead to annoyance on both of our parts. The truth is I have a very rebellious jew-fro, and have yet to find a way to get it to do what I want when I want it to. I put it in a bun, albeit one of those crazy messy ones, but by the end of the day I look like the love child of a ballerina and medusa. Add wind into the mix, and I’m fucked as far as my hair goes. You can’t make it do what you want either, it’s just not going to happen. And it’s just going to get back in my eyes and mouth anyway, no point in fighting nature.

3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
*Why? Are you impatient and I’m not walking fast enough for you? Are you mad at me for being slow? I have arthritis and short legs, deal with it, and stay put. I’ll get there eventually.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
*The easiest way to get a fist to the nose is to touch me anywhere when I’m sound asleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
*Again, why? If you are introducing me as your girlfriend, isn’t the arm-around-the-shoulder just a bit redundant?

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
*Chances are, I know you are checking her out. Chances are, so am I. Unless you are afraid that I might run away with her, this one is not necessary at all.

7. Call her when you’re feeling sad.
*Don’t expect to bitch and whine at me and for me to make baby noises and make you feel all better. That’s what your friends are for. Call them. I have enough drama on my own.

8. Kiss her eyelids.
*Please don’t.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
*Ok, I was an awkward kid, I had braces and huge Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. The last thing I want you to see is that.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
*Alright, this one would be ok, provided I was interested in sharing my shower space with you.

11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
*First of all, if I’m crying, I’m probably not going to answer the phone. Second, I have my cat, she is enough of a comfort when I’m crying. Third, usually the only thing I would cry about is the latest episode of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, and I really don’t need you there to see me in all my girly glory.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
*Fuuuuuuck no. I am not talented enough to stand on a chair while getting oral.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
*I laugh at this one. My middle name is Kuczynski. Good luck, buddy.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
*I probably pretend to care what your favorite rock album is, but if you were to ask me what it is, I have probably forgotten within 10 minutes. And even if I remember, I probably don’t like it. Don’t buy me something useless.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
*Alright, but only if I’m still snoring in bed.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
*Again, don’t touch me when I’m asleep, if you like the placement of your man-parts.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
*Please do, as I’ve probably forgotten.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
*I go weeks at a time without checking my mail. Then I throw everything out, because I do all of my billing and money managing online, and anything else that comes in the mail is garbage. So do or don’t do this, I will probably never know the difference.

19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
*For any particular reason? To let me know that this particular moment is the one that I should begin my worrying? Because if you are flying, I’m going to worried about mid-air crashes until you land. I’m going to be glued to the TV news until my internet tells me you have arrived at your destination. Either that or I’m going to be looking at the sky waiting for fire balls while I’m glued to my blackberry waiting for the ticker to switch over to “arrived”. I have enough neuroses without you adding to them, thanks.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
*Ok, this one I like. Often I forget, or am just too damn lazy to pick my clothes up off my own floor. But don’t try to put them away, I have a chair that will do just fine. My closet is like a well-oiled machine, one which I know where everything is because it is organized in a way that I find pleasing. You will just fuck it all up.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
*Again, only if you want to get punched in the face. Or dumped immediately. Just let me feel bad for a little while, it will pass. All I need you to do is sit there with me and watch The Notebook or Rent for the millionth time and pass me the popcorn when I ask.

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
*Fuck you. This one really bothers me, as a girl who loves sports more than most guys I know. DO NOT DO THIS. If I have agreed to go to a sporting event with you, it’s probably something that I would like to be able to pay attention to.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
*Why (to the first)? And gross (to the second, because I am almost positive that you didn’t wash your hands).

25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice.
*I like stubble.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
*Did I mention the crippling arthritis? Did I mention that it’s worst in my back? Or even, did I mention that I actually kind of like breathing?

27. Worship her breasts.
*Dude, for real? They are lumps of fat and glands that are there for feeding my hypothetical children.

28. Give her jewelry.
*Only if you know I will never actually wear it. I don’t do jewelry. I would much rather have something practical.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
*Omg, how did I ever live my life without you! How did I ever reach my weak little arms out of the shower to get my own towels? For real. And I only use one. The second is just silly.

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
*If you really like hockey, sure. If you really like boring ass sales, sure. I guess, but I also guess that you could ask me way more interesting questions.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
*I don’t have a favorite cereal. Not everyone does.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
*I’m not even really sure what to say about this. Does it have to be every conversation? I mean, I’m ok with hearing I love you occasionally, but I really don’t need to hear it all the time. Beyond that, it gets annoying.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
*Le sigh. How about an apology? Do we all need to be bought? FFS.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
*This one would be alright. I love a good fire, but I suck at building them.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
*Weird, dude.

36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
*Are you that boring that you can’t think of anything to say? Or do you just really hate my singing.

37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
*If you broke it, fix it. If I’ve asked you to fix it, fix it. If you see something is broken and you didn’t make it that way and I haven’t mentioned it, leave it the fuck alone. I am probably either in the process of fixing it myself or it is that way for a reason.

38. Notice when she’s wearing something new.
*Because without your validation, my life is completely meaningless!!

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
*Yup, I’m ok with this one.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
*Is that supposed to mean something to me? All it means is now I have to find a way to wipe the spit off my hand without you noticing.

41. If she’s too stressed to want sex . . .
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.
*Fuck to the no. Do I want to wrestle? Are you kidding? And I can draw my own goddamn bath, thank you.

If these are things men think they should be doing, someone needs to smack some sense into these guys. I’m not swooning (wtf is swooning anyway?) over any of these things.

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