Ok, so this doesn’t have anything to do with Hanukkah, or even Jews. And technically it’s not even really Hanukkah yet, as I do believe the sun is still up (or is it? it’s always a bit hard to tell here). But this almost made me pee my pants at my desk. I am so glad my boss isn’t here.

Ok, so I came across this post while I was browsing the internet, pretending to do my job, and I really, honest to god, snorted from laughing. I mean seriously, guys? NO. Beyond that, I would like to disect this list, just so you can understand that not every woman is a needy, emotional vampire. And since it’s my blog, I can do whatever the fuck I want. So here goes.

1. Ask her to dance.
*Ok, this one is really place/time specific. Chances are, if we are somewhere private like my apartment, I’m probably dancing anyway. I don’t need you to dance with me. In fact, were you to do so, I would probably stop dancing and just stare at you. Awkward! Now, a public place? Yeah, I’m probably still dancing anyway. Feel free to join, but again, it’s not necessary.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
*Alright, this one would only lead to annoyance on both of our parts. The truth is I have a very rebellious jew-fro, and have yet to find a way to get it to do what I want when I want it to. I put it in a bun, albeit one of those crazy messy ones, but by the end of the day I look like the love child of a ballerina and medusa. Add wind into the mix, and I’m fucked as far as my hair goes. You can’t make it do what you want either, it’s just not going to happen. And it’s just going to get back in my eyes and mouth anyway, no point in fighting nature.

3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
*Why? Are you impatient and I’m not walking fast enough for you? Are you mad at me for being slow? I have arthritis and short legs, deal with it, and stay put. I’ll get there eventually.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
*The easiest way to get a fist to the nose is to touch me anywhere when I’m sound asleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
*Again, why? If you are introducing me as your girlfriend, isn’t the arm-around-the-shoulder just a bit redundant?

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
*Chances are, I know you are checking her out. Chances are, so am I. Unless you are afraid that I might run away with her, this one is not necessary at all.

7. Call her when you’re feeling sad.
*Don’t expect to bitch and whine at me and for me to make baby noises and make you feel all better. That’s what your friends are for. Call them. I have enough drama on my own.

8. Kiss her eyelids.
*Please don’t.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
*Ok, I was an awkward kid, I had braces and huge Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. The last thing I want you to see is that.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
*Alright, this one would be ok, provided I was interested in sharing my shower space with you.

11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
*First of all, if I’m crying, I’m probably not going to answer the phone. Second, I have my cat, she is enough of a comfort when I’m crying. Third, usually the only thing I would cry about is the latest episode of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, and I really don’t need you there to see me in all my girly glory.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
*Fuuuuuuck no. I am not talented enough to stand on a chair while getting oral.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
*I laugh at this one. My middle name is Kuczynski. Good luck, buddy.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
*I probably pretend to care what your favorite rock album is, but if you were to ask me what it is, I have probably forgotten within 10 minutes. And even if I remember, I probably don’t like it. Don’t buy me something useless.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
*Alright, but only if I’m still snoring in bed.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
*Again, don’t touch me when I’m asleep, if you like the placement of your man-parts.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
*Please do, as I’ve probably forgotten.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
*I go weeks at a time without checking my mail. Then I throw everything out, because I do all of my billing and money managing online, and anything else that comes in the mail is garbage. So do or don’t do this, I will probably never know the difference.

19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
*Creepy.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
*For any particular reason? To let me know that this particular moment is the one that I should begin my worrying? Because if you are flying, I’m going to worried about mid-air crashes until you land. I’m going to be glued to the TV news until my internet tells me you have arrived at your destination. Either that or I’m going to be looking at the sky waiting for fire balls while I’m glued to my blackberry waiting for the ticker to switch over to “arrived”. I have enough neuroses without you adding to them, thanks.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
*Ok, this one I like. Often I forget, or am just too damn lazy to pick my clothes up off my own floor. But don’t try to put them away, I have a chair that will do just fine. My closet is like a well-oiled machine, one which I know where everything is because it is organized in a way that I find pleasing. You will just fuck it all up.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
*Again, only if you want to get punched in the face. Or dumped immediately. Just let me feel bad for a little while, it will pass. All I need you to do is sit there with me and watch The Notebook or Rent for the millionth time and pass me the popcorn when I ask.

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
*Fuck you. This one really bothers me, as a girl who loves sports more than most guys I know. DO NOT DO THIS. If I have agreed to go to a sporting event with you, it’s probably something that I would like to be able to pay attention to.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
*Why (to the first)? And gross (to the second, because I am almost positive that you didn’t wash your hands).

25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice.
*I like stubble.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
*Did I mention the crippling arthritis? Did I mention that it’s worst in my back? Or even, did I mention that I actually kind of like breathing?

27. Worship her breasts.
*Dude, for real? They are lumps of fat and glands that are there for feeding my hypothetical children.

28. Give her jewelry.
*Only if you know I will never actually wear it. I don’t do jewelry. I would much rather have something practical.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
*Omg, how did I ever live my life without you! How did I ever reach my weak little arms out of the shower to get my own towels? For real. And I only use one. The second is just silly.

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
*If you really like hockey, sure. If you really like boring ass sales, sure. I guess, but I also guess that you could ask me way more interesting questions.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
*I don’t have a favorite cereal. Not everyone does.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
*I’m not even really sure what to say about this. Does it have to be every conversation? I mean, I’m ok with hearing I love you occasionally, but I really don’t need to hear it all the time. Beyond that, it gets annoying.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
*Le sigh. How about an apology? Do we all need to be bought? FFS.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
*This one would be alright. I love a good fire, but I suck at building them.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
*Weird, dude.

36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
*Are you that boring that you can’t think of anything to say? Or do you just really hate my singing.

37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
*If you broke it, fix it. If I’ve asked you to fix it, fix it. If you see something is broken and you didn’t make it that way and I haven’t mentioned it, leave it the fuck alone. I am probably either in the process of fixing it myself or it is that way for a reason.

38. Notice when she’s wearing something new.
*Because without your validation, my life is completely meaningless!!

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
*Yup, I’m ok with this one.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
*Is that supposed to mean something to me? All it means is now I have to find a way to wipe the spit off my hand without you noticing.

41. If she’s too stressed to want sex . . .
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.
*Fuck to the no. Do I want to wrestle? Are you kidding? And I can draw my own goddamn bath, thank you.

If these are things men think they should be doing, someone needs to smack some sense into these guys. I’m not swooning (wtf is swooning anyway?) over any of these things.

I’ve pretty much spent my morning like I spend most mornings; browsing the internet in a not-so-covert kind of way, occasionally flipping back to my call sheet to make it look like I’m working. I am not always so impressed by the internet. Most of the fun stuff is stuff that I have already found, and I seem to have a sense of humor which is slightly off (re: I do not, on any level, find the sneezing panda video funny). But today I have struck gold.

I’ve been thinking about my ethnicity a lot lately, probably mostly due to this boy who I have mentioned previously. Well, if this ever happened to me, I’m not sure I could react in the way that this woman did. I give her props, having lived near my grandmother for a short time while I was in college, I know that being transplanted from the “slightly jewish” atmosphere that I grew up in to the “holy shit these people are really fucking jewish” that my grandmother lived in was a huge culture shock. My grandmother is a story for another blog, one that will be very long, so if I ever do decide to write about her be prepared.

So long story short, I’ve found not just one but two fabulous websites which will help keep me occupied from now on. The blogroll has been updated.

This will definitely be added to my blogroll.

Oh, and for anyone wondering… the person calling me to scream at me that there was a matter needing my immediate attention called again today, only it was a chick and she wasn’t yelling at me. For that reason, and oddly enough that reason alone (I don’t respond to screamed threats? I dunno), I called back. Apparently it was a bill collector, and they were trying to get me to pay for Avon stuff I had paid for years ago. So there, that’s settled, I feel better now.

I feel like I’ve given up. I know I haven’t, I know this is a first step and only a step, but still. I can’t look at the feeds from the winter meetings without being sad that I’m not there. I *should* be there. But I’m here at my desk in a hockey arena, of all places. I don’t even really like hockey, though I must admit it’s starting to grow on me. No matter how much it grows, I will always love baseball more.

I knew I didn’t feel well this morning. I couldn’t get out of bed until 8:30am, and even at that point I was dragging. I blamed this on a variety of factors: I stayed up until almost 2am, talking to this boy that I may or may not like (a story for another time, or at least another paragraph); I was in the car almost the whole day on Monday, making me sore and stiff in all of my joints (including, oddly enough, the joints in my left pinky), effectively ruining the rest of my week anyway; I am actually getting sick. Well, I thought maybe a cold, at worst the swine flu, both of which are things I can live, and certainly work through. Then the wheezing started. I know what the wheezing means, especially when it’s in my chest and I can hear it even when I’m just taking a normal breath. I have bronchitis. Fucking fabulous. To make it better, I have no insurance, so I’ll just have to suffer through it. When I was living near home, I could at least go see the doctor that lived across the street, and he would give me as many sample packs of anti-biotics as it would take to get rid of it. Now, that’s an hour and a half away. Fucking hell.

So this boy. I haven’t written much about this boy, partially because I feel a tad bit like a child molestor for even thinking about him, but mostly because I’m not sure what it is yet. I know I like him, he’s wicked cute, and seems really, really nice, and genuinely interested in me, but here’s the thing. He’s eight years younger than me. EIGHT!! He doesn’t look it, and definitely doesn’t act it, but that is a big age difference. There’s another thing. He might be a nazi. He apparently has a huge swastica tattoo on his back. And I’m Jewish. Now, I’m not a very good Jew, in fact I kind of suck at it, but still. His reasoning behind the tattoo is that was how he was raised, and he and a friend decided to go get them when they were younger (although younger to a 20 year old probably only means a year or two) and shared those kinds of beliefs. He says he doesn’t believe those things anymore, but still has the tattoo because this friend of his died, and he wants to remain close to him. Alright, so I’m fairly understanding, fairly tolerant, but maybe too much so? Should I let this bother me? Should I just shrug it off and try not to pay attention to it if/when the occasion comes up that he needs to be shirtless around me?

My theory is this: I’m a person, he’s a person. I have the right to my specific set of beliefs, and so does he. I believe in tolerance and acceptance of people that are different from myself, and he doesn’t. In my opinion, his beliefs and views of the world are no less valid just because I feel differently. And I don’t think that two people have to agree on everything to be friends, or more. Now, that being said, this certainly isn’t a “hey we’re dating and now I’m going to bring you home to meet my parents” thing. Not only is the age difference a slight issue (slight to me, bigger to my parents), but my father would kill us both if he were to meet this guy in that capacity.

I guess the only thing to do is to wait and see. I won’t rule out this guy just because of what he used to, or even still does, believe. If he were pushy about it, and was like “this is the way it is and I’m sorry you can’t see it but you are less than human”, sure, I would walk away. But this isn’t like that. I’m not sure how to explain it. He seems to be willing to allow me to have my beliefs without pushing his on me, and I’m willing to do the same for him. It seems like as young as this friendship is, we have that measure of respect between us already. Which is nice. So I’m going to let it play out from here, and see where it ends up. I’m not really sure what else I should do.

Ok, so I’m browsing the internet, as usual. But I come across this posting on College Humor, and I just fucking lost it. I mean, literally, I’m sitting at my desk laughing so hard that I’m crying. Tears are coming out of my eyes, no joke. I mean, a giant moose? Damn I would hope I’d be paying attention.

Some of these are not tear-inducing, but a couple of them are. And they are just what I needed on a Wednesday morning.

Last year at this time, I was dealing with a mountain of stress. I was finishing up the second semester of my MBA, I was getting ready for the holidays, and I was finishing up year one of unemployment. I was also getting ready to go to Vegas, not for fun, but for the baseball winter meetings and the job fair. I thought my life was going to change forever, and I was right, but it didn’t change in the way I thought it would. I didn’t leave Vegas with a job. I did leave exhausted, having gone through 23 interviews in 2.5 days. I had gone out every night, as we were told to do. I slept a total of 10-12 hours during the whole ordeal. But I also left with a mountain of connections; friends, prospective employers, people who could help me get where I needed to be. It was an amazing experience, one which has gotten me to this point in my career, and one which I would not trade for anything in the world.

The job fair this year is in Indy, albeit not as glamorous as last year, but probably far less stressful. I’m not going, and this makes me very, very sad. I love that I work in sports, I just wish I worked in baseball. I know I have to be here for a certain amount of time, to really prove myself I have to be able to do it for more than a couple of months. But I’m still sad, and I wish I was going.

Holy shit, just watch this.

Ok, so I was searching for something new and interesting to make for dinner, and here are a few things I’ve come across while looking around.

Breakfast Tater Tot Casserole

Ingredients
-16 ounces frozen tater tots
-5 slices crumbled cooked bacon or 6 ounces cooked turkey sausage
-5 large eggs
-1/4 cup half-and-half cream
-1/4-1/2 teaspoon paprika
-1/4-1/2 teaspoon salt
-1/4 teaspoon black pepper
-1 cup grated colby-monterey jack cheese

Directions
1) Preheat the oven to 375F then spray a 9×9 glass baking dish with cooking spray.
2) Place the tater tots in the bottom of the pan. Next sprinkle the crumbled bacon or turkey over the tater tots.
3) Note: If you want to add vegetables, such as mushrooms or green peppers, you could add them along with the meat.
4) Whisk the eggs, half & half, & spices together in a bowl then stir in the cheese. Pour over the tater tots then bake in the oven for 30-35 minutes.

This one amuses me. The person who posted this recipe included very “noisy” warnings in his/her directions, and for some reason I find humor in that. Plus it’s for ramen. I heart me some ramen.

Ranch Style Ramen

Ingredients
-1 (3 ounce) package ramen noodles (Throw away the ‘flavor pack’,92-97% Sodium, you have enough SODIUM in your life without adding this!)
-1/2 cup ranch dressing (Try Mirj’s Homemade Ranch Dressing it’s great)
-1 cup sharp cheddar cheese, grated (Jalapeno Jack works well too)

Directions
1) Put a large sauce pan, half full of water on to boil.
2) Set a medium sized stainless mixing bowl on the sauce pan (double boiler).
3) In a small pan cook the Ramen, Drain.
4) Place the noodles in the s/s bowl.
5) mix in the Dressing and Cheese.
6) Stir continuously.
7) ***WARNING*** BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL REGARDING THE STEAM!
8 ) WEAR A COOKING MITT TO HOLD THE MIXING BOWL!
9) When the cheese is throughly melted, serve immediately.
10) Goes well with a garden salad or coleslaw, fresh bread sticks, and a nice Chianti.

And this one just sounds wicked yummy. In fact, I think I will make this tonight.

Zesty Mac and Cheese

Ingredients
-1 pkg (16 oz each) dry elbow macaroni, uncooked
-1 can (10 oz each) Ro*Tel® Original Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies, undrained
-1 pkg (16 oz each) Velveeta® Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product, cut into cubes
-1/2 cup reduced fat (2%) milk

Directions
1) Prepare macaroni according to package directions.
2) Meanwhile, combine undrained tomatoes and cheese in 1-1/2-quart microwavable dish; cover. Microwave on MEDIUM (50%) 10 to 12 minutes or until cheese melts, stirring after 6 minutes. Add milk; stir mixture until well blended.
3) Drain macaroni; place in large bowl. Add cheese mixture; toss to coat.