It’s the little things…


Like expecting the super irritating anchor to be on CNN at 9am, and ending up watching Anderson Cooper instead. I heart Anderson Cooper. Gotta take pleasure in the small things, I guess.

I really can’t think of much else to say. I want to write a lot of things… Why I’m no longer with Isaac… What happened to Taffy… Why I have multiple kittens in my house… About my latest relationship… But all I can focus on right now is the intense heartburn I’m dealing with. I’m dizzy and weak and in so much pain that I can barely breathe, so nothing is coming out right. It’s certainly not coming out sounding very interesting. It all kind of sounds like an instruction manual. Do you want to spend your morning reading an instruction manual? Nah, probably not. So I’ll skip writing it.

Dealing with my new focus… There are plenty of “sick girl” diaries out there. Do I want to just write about my experiences? Do I want this to be somewhere where people can go for advice? Do I want people to give me advice? I have absolutely no idea. It seems I got to the general idea and gave up digging any further. Which is typical, I suppose. But really, is there anything special about me? Honestly, although I’d like to think so, probably not. My health issues are particular to me, but my experiences with those issues are shared by a shit ton of other people. Is that the point? Maybe.

Long story short, I don’t know what the effing point is. I guess I’ll just make it up as I go.

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New Beginnings


So… It’s been almost two years. I could make up a whole lot of excuses, say that I was super busy, life was so exciting, lots of changes, blah blah blah. But the honest truth of the matter is, my life doesn’t look all that much different today than it did back then. I still work at the same restaurant. I still live in the same apartment. I still have the same best friend. Yay stability, I suppose? There have been some changes of course, but that’s not what kept me away. I just lost focus. That’s all. I just couldn’t figure out where I wanted this blog to go. And because that’s what I usually do when I can’t figure out which path to take, I just chose to stay stuck. But not anymore…

Anyone who has kept up with me for any length of time knows about my health struggles. Those aren’t news, so I won’t use up any energy to discuss those here (I will later, probably… no promises). But I have come to some important revelations as of late which I think have led me in this direction, and so I’ll share those with you.

The first revelation wasn’t even really mine. And it wasn’t even a revelation, but without calling it that this whole thing wouldn’t work, so we’ll just ignore that, ok? I went to see my endocrinologist last week because I’d been feeling really “blah” lately and wanted to see if I could get some blood work done to see if I needed my thyroid meds adjusted. I’d also gained 25 pounds in the last few months and had a feeling that was due to the thyroid meds as well. So anyway, there I sit, in a super sexy gown and my leggings, listening to this insanely thin Indian man tell me that I looked so much better now and that I looked like I was dying before, and I should just keep going with whatever I was doing, but if I was going to insist that I needed to lose weight (which I wasn’t really, I was more worried about the lack of energy given the job that I do) he would put me back on one of the other pills I used to take but I could only take it once every other day. Oh, and I needed to take the other one that went along with it. And I probably needed a second pill for heartburn. And no matter how much I hated that one he put me on a month ago, I still needed to take that one. Oh, but the thyroid pill? He wanted to lower my dose. LOWER. What was I supposed to do, tell him no? So I told him I’d try it. And I died a little inside. So now I’m 34 years old, I take 17 pills a day, and I still have no energy. This leads to my second revelation…

Being sick sucks. Anyone who has ever had a minor cold can tell you that. Being sick every day for the rest of your life? There is a certain level of frustration that comes with that. No one gets it. Friends don’t get it. Family doesn’t get it. Even the doctors don’t get it. I actually had a doctor in the ER say to me, and I quote, “I have no idea what to do with you”. Once I thought I had someone in my life who would get it, but I was wrong. And honestly, that’s ok. I don’t want anyone to get it. I don’t want people to understand. To really understand this means you’d have to be going through it too, and I wouldn’t wish this type of hell on earth on anyone. But this leads to my third revelation…

I needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. I needed a way to deal with the loneliness, the guilt, the depression, the hatred of my own body, without feeling like I was burdening my friends and family. I needed someone to vent to who wouldn’t tell me to cheer up or to stop being such a Debbie Downer. I needed to write. Just write it all down and get it all out and maybe, just maybe, find someone out there who was also awake at 4am because there was just too much pain to sleep, who knew how I felt and could suggest a new show on Netflix to keep me occupied. And thus, this blog found it’s direction…

In the next few days I may have to come up with a new title for it, but for now everything will stay the same. And I’ll still try to tie everything in; work, Etsy, life, etc. But the main focus, and goal, of this blog will be dealing with my chronic pain and illnesses. That’s really what I need right now, so that’s what y’all get. Sorry if it seems self-serving at times, or even self-pitying, but I guess we’ll have to take the good with the bad. And I promise, there is good. Some days will be awesome. Some days I might not be able to get out of bed. Some days I might be feeling really miserable, and it’ll show. Some days I won’t want to talk about being sick at all. Some days I’ll want to show off my cats (yes, plural. Long story). I can’t guarantee it’ll all be rainbows and unicorns; in fact, I can guarantee that it will not be all rainbows and unicorns. Maybe some alpacas, but hardly any unicorns. So be prepared.

Anyway, I’m not going to write too much more right now. It’s getting late and I need to at least try to sleep (I’ve gotten an hour in the last two nights). But I hope everyone will stick with me. And to anyone new who is visiting me for the first time… Hi! Welcome, come on in, grab a cup of tea or coffee or whiskey or whatever, and relax. This is my safe place, and I’d love to share it with you.

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Why I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions


ImageBecause they’re stupid, that’s why. They don’t work. They last for a day, a week, a month, and then most people give up on them. According to this site, only 8% of people actually succeed in completing their resolutions. And while 64% can keep their resolutions going past the first month, that percentage drops to 46% after 6 months. Personally, I know mine hardly ever last past the first month.

I prefer to set attainable goals for myself throughout the year. Last year I vowed to myself that I would blog at least three times a week. How long did that last? Three weeks? And then because I had failed in my resolution, I didn’t blog for the rest of the year. My other resolutions lasted about as long. However, in March when I decided to lose weight, because it wasn’t tied to a New Years resolution, I succeeded. The only pressure to succeed was from myself, not from keeping to a resolution.

And look at the weight-loss resolution people. During the first weeks of January, they flood the gym. You can always tell who they are; they don’t have a clue what they’re doing, they wander around looking at things like they’re looking at complex medical devices, and their gym clothes look brand spanking new. And they are almost all gone by the time February rolls around.

So resolutions don’t work. People make them, they stick to them for a while, and they become terribly depressed when they fail. I won’t fall into that trap again.

Goals, on the other hand, are a good thing. Goals come with less pressure, at least in my opinion. Goals can be amended, if it’s clear that they are unattainable. Here are mine:

1) I’d like to be able to wear a bikini with confidence when vacation time rolls around. Not to say that I will, necessarily, but I’d like the option to be there.

2) I will try to blog on a regular basis. I’ve set alarms for myself to do so, and those alarms are set for three times a week. I may not be able to blog that much, but I’ll at least give it a shot. I won’t beat myself up if I miss a day here and there. I won’t quit blogging just because I don’t keep to this schedule.

3) I’m going to be better prepared for this holidays this year. I know it’s a bit early to be thinking about Christmas 2014, but as prepared as I thought I was last year, I was oh so wrong. I was beyond stressed about it, and the relationships in my life were suffering because of that. Both of my shops will be fully stocked by the time October rolls around, including extras of my best selling items.

4) I will work on my social life. I spend most of my time sitting in the house knitting, which is fine because I like doing it. But I need to get out and have fun sometimes. I really enjoy the people that I work with, and I’d like to hang out with them more outside of work. At lot of this is out of my control, as my illness dictates my social life more often than I’d like, but I’ll go out when I can.

5) As far as shop stuff; I’m happy with the direction of both shops. I’ve got a few new product lines planned for both (more styles of boot cuffs in my original shop, and a line of retractable badge reels in my second shop), but other than that, I’m just worried about building up my inventory after the busy holiday season. I would also like to exceed last years sales number and continue to grow both shops.

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Stuffed moose don’t count

6) I desperately want to get outside more this summer. Last summer, the roomie/boyfriend was working so much that going camping, hiking, so much that going camping, hiking, kayaking and the like was kind of put on hold. This year I won’t let him hold me back. I’ll hike if I want to. I’ll take solo road trips. I’ll go back to Maine and finally see a damned moose, whether he wants to go or not. I’ll kayak by myself if I have to.

Those are my goals. I’m sure I will come up with more throughout the year, just as I’m sure that I will amend the current ones. I may decide that I want to focus on one specific topic for this blog (although, how boring would that be?). I may decide that the idea of a 33 year old on the beach in a bikini is ridiculous. But you know what? That’ll be just fine. The pressure that comes along with resolutions isn’t there. And as far as I’m concerned, all these goals are easily achievable.

What do you think? Do you do the whole resolution thing every year? Do you reach them, or give up on them partway through?

Manic mondaaaaaay


Be prepared. I’m in a very random, slightly goofy mood this morning. So this post will be very random and slightly goofy, starting with the following…

I honestly can’t decide if this is a real song or a joke, but I think I like it. It makes me smile, and what could be better on a Monday morning? It may not be safe for work, so make sure to put a set of headphones on or something before you hit play. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

I won't maul you if you take too long

Ok, done? It’s goofy, right? Alright, since we’re in a good mood now, because how could you not be, onward!

Shop stuff:
I must have done something right when I took all those new pictures, because I sold my very first tea tote last night. Again, I had just listed it, went to bed, and woke up this morning to find it had sold not even an hour after I listed it. Craziness! So I’ll take that as a good sign, and make more of these things. I love making them; it’s almost instant gratification, unlike the socks which take days.

Weight loss:
I lost 3 more pounds this week, bring me to a total of 5 pounds in 3 weeks. Not bad. I will give total credit to weight watchers, but it may have something to do with taking my pills everyday. I mean, without a functioning thyroid, I don’t really have a metabolism. As it is my metabolism is of the fake variety, but it’s a lot better than no metabolism at all. But I’ll still give the credit to weight watchers, because if I don’t, I won’t have any reason to continue with it. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but I never claimed to make sense all the time.

And speaking of weight loss, after this diet is done, I am so making these cupcakes:

I found them over at A Cookie-Cutter Blog, and they look DELICIOUS (you know I’m serious when I type in all caps and italics). Her instructions look super easy to follow too, though I think I’d skip the sprinkles. I’m not really much of a sprinkle type of girl. Weird crunch, no real flavor… no thanks.

Sports:
Have I ever mentioned how much I love this time of year? The cherry blossoms are out, and Riverside Drive, which I take to and from work every day, is a wonderful array of pink and white floral trees. It’s absolutely beautiful, if you take the time to look around. In fact, I’d say the part of Riverside that I take every morning, a couple miles in each direction from the hospital, is the most beautiful part of this very ugly and depressing city. I love that I get to see it every day. But… that wasn’t anywhere close to my point. It’s spring training, which means baseball season will be starting soon. I heart baseball. And, today is the NCAA men’s basketball national championship game. The only problem is, it doesn’t start until something ridiculous like 9:30pm. Seriously? To the people who scheduled the final game of the college basketball season, wtf were you thinking? How many people do you think will actually be able to stay awake until midnight to watch this thing? Are you banking on people falling asleep with their tvs on, so it won’t hurt your ratings? If it were me in charge, the latest I’d schedule this game is 8pm. That way everyone can still get to bed at a decent time, including those players. Geez.

The future:
It’s been almost a year since Roomie and I took our trip to Colorado. I have all those memories, almost like it was yesterday, but still sometimes I find it hard to believe that I actually experienced it. It seems more like a fantasy movie version of my life; where I drop everything and drive across country to see my life from a different angle. But it wasn’t a dream, it really happened and it was wonderful and exciting and I miss it. I want to go back.

From Garden of the Gods

Can you blame me, seeing just one of the pictures of the trip? It wasn’t great weather; it rained most of the way out and most of the way home, it was cold most of the time, and our first night of camping was interrupted by a mountain blizzard. But it was a wonderful trip. In fact, I think Roomie and I are going to end up moving there. I think. At least for a year. We’ve been wanting to move out of Binghamton for a while now, and we both really loved Colorado. We are going to look at Asheville, NC in June, but unless we absolutely fall head over heals in love with it, I think Colorado is the final answer. We’ll see.

Alright, I’m done. Maybe not completely, but enough for now. Plus I have to get to work. You know, adulthood and responsibilies and all that crap. Have a great Monday all!! 🙂

I have a cheerio stuck in my cleavage


Yes, really. TMI? I don’t care. I’m trying to figure out how to get it out without my cubemate noticing. I probably should stop eating cheerios while hunched over my desk staring at funny pictures on the internet. They’re just so damn delicious! They aren’t even real cheerios, they’re this organic something or other that tastes oddly like very yummy cardboard. Definitely not in a bad way. And I’m pretty sure that they have a metric ass-ton of fiber in them. They’re only three points for a whole cup of them, so it’s really a win-win for everyone involved! And when I say everyone, I mean me, of course. They do have kind of a weird aftertaste, and they definitely taste a bit funky after a sip of coffee, but whatever, it’s food. I’ve always hated those little kids who come into the restaurant and throw cheerios everywhere, but now I get it. Sorry, little kids who I’ve given my best death stare! I totally understand you now!

I have so done this before.

Roomie and I went craft shopping last night, because I needed to find cellophane bags to put the magnets that I have yet to make in. Damn AC Moore, they were having a yarn sale. I cannot resist a good yarn sale, especially when everything, including Pirouette and Sashay is 30 percent off. I have a problem, that’s my conclusion after this latest shopping trip. I have a yarn addiction. My sage of a roommate says that admitting it is the first step; he’s so smart! I’ve never had a problem admitting it, but when I go to a craft store for something that costs two dollars and emerge with 90+ dollars worth of yarn, it scares me a little. What am I going to do with all that yarn? It’s not like I bought stuff that I don’t have a use for; it’s all for specific projects. The problem is, I will never, not ever in my lifetime even if I was to have a normal life span which I probably won’t, be able to use all the yarn I own. Never. There is simply too much of it. And when it comes to yarn sales, I have zero willpower to not take advantage of them. The other problem is, all of that yarn lives in roomie’s bedroom. It used to be the craft room before he moved in, and he allowed me to keep all my craft supplies in the corner. I can’t even get to the corner now, there’s too much stuff there. I’m going to eventually sort everything out, but I’m not really sure where to start at this point.

I got that doctor’s note, and gave it to my boss at the restaurant. I didn’t really sit down and talk to her about it, but that’s probably for the best. I probably would have threatened her with a lawsuit. Why, you may be asking? Because she scheduled me for only Saturday this week, which I’ve now got a doctor’s note saying I can’t work. So if she takes me off that shift, I won’t have any shifts this week. I would be very tempted to assume that no shifts means she’s “letting me go”, and to start filing for unemployment. She doesn’t want to pay me unemployment, which is why she’s only scheduling me for one shift a week; she is trying to make me quit. Uh huh, not gonna work. If she wants me gone, she’s going to have to find a damn good reason to fire me. It’s certainly not going to be performance related. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m covered under the DDA (disability discrimination act). If I were her, I’d want to keep me as happy, and healthy, as possible to avoid a lawsuit. Especially since she knows my little sister is a lawyer.

Anyway, onto happier things. I’ve been really bad about linking to other blogs in this thing lately. So I’m thinking of sharing at least one link everyday that I find useful, interesting, funny, or otherwise entertaining. What do you think? Not that I really care; it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want with it, damnit. Onward (and have a very happy Wednesday, all :))!

Wednesday Web Gem!
OMG I need to do this right now!!!
-This blog by “Jeeze Julia” on pantry organization is GREAT. I love, love, love mason jars, and there are thousands of uses for them. This is just one, but it really does make me want to run, not walk, to AC Moore and buy as many mason jars as I can, and then run, not walk, all the way home to organize my pantry. That in itself is a feat; I don’t even go in there if I can help it. That little corner of my home could probably qualify for FEMA assistance all by itself. Damn this being an adult thing, and damn working for a living, I want to clean my pantry!!

Burn out, and other concerns


I think it might be a function of spending my days staring at a computer screen, but I’ve begun to get really sick of the internet. Maybe I just want some time to myself, which is funny because I’m writing this in a public blog, but I feel the need to be “unplugged” more and more these days. I have a hard time even logging onto Etsy without it feeling like a chore; more something that I have to do rather than something fun that I want to do, which is a big change from even a week ago. I used to really enjoy participating in the forums and my teams, but now even writing this blog entry seems tedious.

I took yesterday off. From blogging, not work. I just couldn’t make myself think of anything witty or interesting to say, so I just didn’t say anything at all. Maybe it’s because the weather is so nice, or just because my hormones are all crazy-pants and out of whack right now. I’m angry, just in general, and I think it’s starting to spread to most areas of my life. Maybe I need a vacation, but I can’t even get my boss to give me the weekends off, so I think a vacation will have to wait.

I know my motivation to really work on my shop will come back. I’m still knitting and creating, so at least the motivation to do that hasn’t left me. Hopefully once I’ve decided to participate fully again my shop won’t have fallen completely off the map. I just can’t do it right now. It feels like work, and while I know it is, I have enough work to deal with, I need this to stay something fun, something that I like doing.

But anyway, I’m still knitting and decoupaging and all that fun stuff, so I figure I can afford to take some time off from all the promoting and posting and commenting and stuff that doesn’t seem so fun to me right now. The creating is the fun part, anyway. I put up one of the new tea totes yesterday, and I think I’ll make a few more this weekend. Maybe I’ll list a set of coasters later on today, since I didn’t finish the third set of dish cloths in time to take pics of them this morning. But they’re super cute; they remind me so much of Easter! Oh, and I started another pair of rainbow yoga socks, to replace the ones that I sold a few weeks ago.

Speaking of sales… I haven’t had a sale in a week. Even my views are down. But I think that might be just because I’m so sick of participating in teams and forums right now and my negative attitude is showing to the rest of the Etsy-world. I’ll be fine once I take a break. Maybe this weekend I’ll institute a no-Etsy policy for myself, just to give myself a bit of time to relax. Once this starts to feel like a job, it’ll start getting stressful like a job too, and I’m inching ever so close to that very thin line between work and fun.

Anyway, enough about that. Here are a few of my other worries at the moment:
-I was scheduled to work Saturday again. UGH! I really need to be able to take two days off from both jobs, to keep my body from falling apart, and to give me the routine I need to take my pills everyday (which I’m doing very well with, by the way, even though it’s only been 3 days). I told my boss this, that until this temp job ends I need weekends off, and it seemed for a while like she understood. Now she wants a doctor’s note. I’m working on that, but I’m afraid that once my doc sees how bad my levels are right now that they’re going to want to put me in the hospital. Then I won’t be any good to anyone.
-I told you I lost a pound last week. I got on the scale yesterday morning, just curious, and I’d gained that pound back, plus another. I got on the scale this morning, and I gained 4 more pounds!!! Wth is going on?! I’m going to have to talk to the doc about that too; I’m not even sure if it’s safe for me to be on Weight Watchers right now.

Ok that’s it. Tomorrow is Friday, meaning Feature Fridays! I am actually excited about it. Have a great Thursday everyone! Go outside and get some Vitamin D!!! 😀

The Jello Monster


Truth

My coworkers decided to throw away my creamer. For no other reason than they couldn’t figure out who it belonged to or how long it had been there. Oh gross! Irritating creamer that has been there for an unknown period of time but is still full and is taking up all the room in the fridge so I can’t shove my hundred and five cups of jello in there! I don’t know where you came from, but instead of asking anyone else, I’m just going to throw you out so there’s more room for my jello! MY JELLO IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS CREAMER! I must have my jello at all times!!!!!!!

So now I have no creamer. Which means no more coffee. Which makes me an angry Megan. I wanted to say, what, you couldn’t ask? Are you going to buy me more creamer? Did you think you were the only one in the entire office who used that fridge? I must have been blind, I didn’t see your name on it, and I certainly didn’t realize that you owned it! Damn, you are one lucky office worker, to have your very own mini-fridge!

Can you tell I’m cranky? This made for a great start to the morning. So now I guess I’ll be cranky all day. Just a suggestion, but I wouldn’t mess with a starving person’s food if I were you. Damn creamer disposing jello whores.

[Anyway, I’m almost done with the first green yoga sock, which makes me happy (or, happier, as the case may be). I’m still not sure I’m in love with the yarn, but it’s pleasent enough to work with, not super stiff or scratchy. I’m just not 100% sure I’d buy yarn from Knit Picks again, if I had the choice. They gave me a tracking number that didn’t work (big pet peeve of mine, along with people who eat massive amounts of jello everyday), and the shipping costs were a bit stiff for one skein of yarn. The second picture is the yoga socks I finished on Monday. I like them, and I was going to list them yesterday, but I really didn’t love the way the photos came out. There is only so much you can edit out, you know? It was too dark, which was my fault, and my background wouldn’t cooperate. I’ll try again on Friday after work.

Oh, and I sold this scarf yesterday! Granted, it was sold to a coworker, but still. I was so thrilled to sell something other than a pair of yoga socks that I forgot to give her the coupon code for free shipping! Hopefully this means people will start buying some of my other stuff! That would be amazing, those scarves are wicked pretty. Hang in there little ceramic coaster sets! Someone is going to love you someday!