It’s the little things…

Like expecting the super irritating anchor to be on CNN at 9am, and ending up watching Anderson Cooper instead. I heart Anderson Cooper. Gotta take pleasure in the small things, I guess.

I really can’t think of much else to say. I want to write a lot of things… Why I’m no longer with Isaac… What happened to Taffy… Why I have multiple kittens in my house… About my latest relationship… But all I can focus on right now is the intense heartburn I’m dealing with. I’m dizzy and weak and in so much pain that I can barely breathe, so nothing is coming out right. It’s certainly not coming out sounding very interesting. It all kind of sounds like an instruction manual. Do you want to spend your morning reading an instruction manual? Nah, probably not. So I’ll skip writing it.

Dealing with my new focus… There are plenty of “sick girl” diaries out there. Do I want to just write about my experiences? Do I want this to be somewhere where people can go for advice? Do I want people to give me advice? I have absolutely no idea. It seems I got to the general idea and gave up digging any further. Which is typical, I suppose. But really, is there anything special about me? Honestly, although I’d like to think so, probably not. My health issues are particular to me, but my experiences with those issues are shared by a shit ton of other people. Is that the point? Maybe.

Long story short, I don’t know what the effing point is. I guess I’ll just make it up as I go.

New Beginnings

So… It’s been almost two years. I could make up a whole lot of excuses, say that I was super busy, life was so exciting, lots of changes, blah blah blah. But the honest truth of the matter is, my life doesn’t look all that much different today than it did back then. I still work at the same restaurant. I still live in the same apartment. I still have the same best friend. Yay stability, I suppose? There have been some changes of course, but that’s not what kept me away. I just lost focus. That’s all. I just couldn’t figure out where I wanted this blog to go. And because that’s what I usually do when I can’t figure out which path to take, I just chose to stay stuck. But not anymore…

Anyone who has kept up with me for any length of time knows about my health struggles. Those aren’t news, so I won’t use up any energy to discuss those here (I will later, probably… no promises). But I have come to some important revelations as of late which I think have led me in this direction, and so I’ll share those with you.

The first revelation wasn’t even really mine. And it wasn’t even a revelation, but without calling it that this whole thing wouldn’t work, so we’ll just ignore that, ok? I went to see my endocrinologist last week because I’d been feeling really “blah” lately and wanted to see if I could get some blood work done to see if I needed my thyroid meds adjusted. I’d also gained 25 pounds in the last few months and had a feeling that was due to the thyroid meds as well. So anyway, there I sit, in a super sexy gown and my leggings, listening to this insanely thin Indian man tell me that I looked so much better now and that I looked like I was dying before, and I should just keep going with whatever I was doing, but if I was going to insist that I needed to lose weight (which I wasn’t really, I was more worried about the lack of energy given the job that I do) he would put me back on one of the other pills I used to take but I could only take it once every other day. Oh, and I needed to take the other one that went along with it. And I probably needed a second pill for heartburn. And no matter how much I hated that one he put me on a month ago, I still needed to take that one. Oh, but the thyroid pill? He wanted to lower my dose. LOWER. What was I supposed to do, tell him no? So I told him I’d try it. And I died a little inside. So now I’m 34 years old, I take 17 pills a day, and I still have no energy. This leads to my second revelation…

Being sick sucks. Anyone who has ever had a minor cold can tell you that. Being sick every day for the rest of your life? There is a certain level of frustration that comes with that. No one gets it. Friends don’t get it. Family doesn’t get it. Even the doctors don’t get it. I actually had a doctor in the ER say to me, and I quote, “I have no idea what to do with you”. Once I thought I had someone in my life who would get it, but I was wrong. And honestly, that’s ok. I don’t want anyone to get it. I don’t want people to understand. To really understand this means you’d have to be going through it too, and I wouldn’t wish this type of hell on earth on anyone. But this leads to my third revelation…

I needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. I needed a way to deal with the loneliness, the guilt, the depression, the hatred of my own body, without feeling like I was burdening my friends and family. I needed someone to vent to who wouldn’t tell me to cheer up or to stop being such a Debbie Downer. I needed to write. Just write it all down and get it all out and maybe, just maybe, find someone out there who was also awake at 4am because there was just too much pain to sleep, who knew how I felt and could suggest a new show on Netflix to keep me occupied. And thus, this blog found it’s direction…

In the next few days I may have to come up with a new title for it, but for now everything will stay the same. And I’ll still try to tie everything in; work, Etsy, life, etc. But the main focus, and goal, of this blog will be dealing with my chronic pain and illnesses. That’s really what I need right now, so that’s what y’all get. Sorry if it seems self-serving at times, or even self-pitying, but I guess we’ll have to take the good with the bad. And I promise, there is good. Some days will be awesome. Some days I might not be able to get out of bed. Some days I might be feeling really miserable, and it’ll show. Some days I won’t want to talk about being sick at all. Some days I’ll want to show off my cats (yes, plural. Long story). I can’t guarantee it’ll all be rainbows and unicorns; in fact, I can guarantee that it will not be all rainbows and unicorns. Maybe some alpacas, but hardly any unicorns. So be prepared.

Anyway, I’m not going to write too much more right now. It’s getting late and I need to at least try to sleep (I’ve gotten an hour in the last two nights). But I hope everyone will stick with me. And to anyone new who is visiting me for the first time… Hi! Welcome, come on in, grab a cup of tea or coffee or whiskey or whatever, and relax. This is my safe place, and I’d love to share it with you.

And the “remodel” begins!

I’m not sure if anyone can tell, but I re-did my sidebar today. I know it’s a small step and I have a LOT of work left to do, but it’s a start right?

So take a look and let me know what you think. I wanted to get rid of all the clutter, because if it was too much for even me to look at, I am positive it’d be too much for any of my readers. But I still wanted it to be pretty, and to fit in with my theme.

Does it fit? Is there still too much clutter? Are the things missing that you’d like to see? Is it too difficult to navigate? I need your input! Let me know what you think in the poll below, or by leaving a comment on this post.

And the “remodel” begins!

It’s time for… Spring Cleaning!!

I know I’ve been gone for a while. I promise I have lots of stories for you when the time comes.

Right now, however, I’m feeling the need to do a bit of sprucing up around here. So hopefully the next time you all stop by, this blog will have a new look and feel to it.

Don’t ask how long it’ll take me; I have no idea. But I’ll keep updating as I go, so no worries there. This does mean that my Tuesday Top Ten series is going to be pushed back at least another week, but I will be finishing up at least the social media portion of that.

So keep an eye out folks, it’s going to be exciting!

Wordless Wednesday #1

It’s almost over, right?

Throwback Thursday

Guess what day it is? Not hump day.

It’s Thursday, which means that today, I have an excuse to be lazy and post old shit. Shout out to The Bloggess for the idea, and for randomly showing up on my Facebook feed a few minutes ago. Great idea.

So this picture is kind of grainy, because it’s actually an iPhone picture of an actual picture. I was looking for pictures of the last time I was this thin (I was ten by the way, have I mentioned that?), and I came across this little gem. I’m pretty sure it’s from Christmas time somewhere around 1989. It’s me (obviously), my mother and my little sister. I’m fairly certain that my sister is smacking me in the face, my mother is yelling at her, and I’m probably teasing the crap out of her. Since that was a pretty standard thing. And my sister just looks happy to be smacking me in the face.

So there you have it. And now I will go back to knitting a pair of stupid yoga socks.

Because anything related to Wayne’s World is awesome.

Guess what day it is?

Or Wednesday, as it’s sometimes known. In my world, it’s actually Monday. Better customers than actual Monday though. Anyway…

Yes, my weekend is over and I have to go to work today. It’s going to be a rough week, what with Valentine’s Day on Friday. I don’t know why I thought working on Valentine’s Day was a good idea (yes I do, I’ll make mucho dinero), but I do know that it’ll take all my energy just to stay upright until Sunday. Do you know what makes it better?

Oddly, this palette makes going to work so much more bearable. I’m not going to do a product review; I’ll let the folks over at makeupandbeautyblog.com handle that part for me. But I will tell you that this stuff is fantastic, and well worth the money.

I’ve always been willing to pay a little bit more for a great product. I only buy bareMinerals makeup, because it covers up any off-color spots on my face without looking or feeling like I’m wearing too much makeup. It’s easy to use, and even better, easy to wear. I’ve always lusted after these Urban Decay palettes, but I was skeptical because of the price. I asked for this Smoked palette for my birthday, and when I opened it the day after I knew it was going to be fantastic. Not only are the colors awesome, but it comes with a little book that gives step-by-step instructions on how to create different looks.

Another reason I love this thing so damn much is it has incredible staying power. It’s like freaking glue. I have a hell of a time finding makeup that will last through a busy shift at the restaurant, and most times I have lost all of my eyeshadow by the end, and I look like a raccoon because my eyeliner has run down my face. But this stuff? No running. No smudging. And at the end of a shift, the rest of my body is greasy and dirty, but my makeup still looks like I just put it on. Seriously, if it can handle the stress of a 4-hour dinner rush, it’s totally worth the price in my book.

It is pricey. But Urban Decay may have won a customer for life. I actually look forward to putting it on, which is a feat in itself because I am not a girly girl. And I only wear makeup to work. So yeah, as exhausting as I know this week will be, I’m looking forward to it. Weird.

Yeah, I dunno.

Pardon my mess…

Oh. Hi. It’s almost 5pm and the only productive thing I’ve done today is make a damn blog button. It’s to your right, by the way. Go look at it. And when you’re done looking at it, please for the love of all that is holy, do something with it. I’m going to be really depressed if I spent all this time working on something that no one was interested in.

Ok, so that isn’t the only productive thing I’ve done today. I also got really angry at my new light box.

See the carpet in between the sides and the bottom? Yeah, that’s because the damn backdrop doesn’t fit. Argh.

But it came with this tripod. So that’s cool.

See what I mean?

Why???? Why doesn’t the backdrop fit? What the effing shit kind of company does this? Not to mention, the instructions for said light box were in terribly broken English. I should have read the reviews before I put it on my Christmas list, because apparently I’m not the only one with this problem. I guess that’s good; it means I’m not messing up on the assembly (but who knows; I don’t read broken English).

It’s not all bad. I’ll still use it. I’ll just have to slide my matte board underneath it so the bottom is covered. Not sure what I’m going to do about the back, but I’ll figure it out.

And I did finish these boot cuffs. I wanted to finish a pair of fun purple colored cuffs too, but I got distracted. Damn blog button!!!

I also wanted to nap. I only get two days off this week because of Valentine’s Day (and I forgot that I have a boyfriend now, so I probably shouldn’t have asked to work), and we’re supposed to get another blizzard on Thursday. And I was up at 5am to watch curling. Yes, you read that correctly. I really need a nap.

But instead of doing either of those things, I’m sitting here and writing this blog entry. Because while a part of me (a large part) thinks I should be sleeping or knitting, another part says fuck it, it’s my day off. And it’s Monday. Regardless of the fact that it’s actually my Saturday, Monday still sucks.

WTF is this all about?

Did you know I have a Tumblr? I don’t have a clue how or why I should be using it, but it’s there, and occasionally I post stuff on it. I really should try to make these social media accounts more focused, but hell, I’m not very focused in general so that’s not an easy thing for me to do.

And for real, if I can’t figure out what the hell to do with Twitter, I don’t think I have much of a shot at Tumblr. I just do things, sometimes, and hope they turn out well.

Like this. Just… why?

I’m hoping to make my Tuesday Top Ten about this issue; how and why to use social media for small business. I just really don’t understand, so it’s more for me than for anyone else. It’ll give me a chance to do a little research, which I have trouble with if I don’t have any outside motivation. Let’s be honest, I have trouble with life if I don’t have any outside motivation.

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions for me, or anything you’d like to see included in the Tuesday Top Ten, I am very open to ideas. Thanks, and have a great weekend all!

I’m a server. I don’t get a weekend.

Who am I and why am I here?

I don’t care about having eleventy-billion visitors on a daily basis. I don’t care about being chosen for cheesy blogging awards. I don’t even really care about being “Freshly Pressed” (honestly, I don’t). Frankly, this is not a job for me and I don’t want it to start feeling like one. I love that I have an avenue to send my most mundane and crazy thoughts out into the universe, and that every so often the universe sends me something in return.

But really, what is my audience? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Do you know what answer I keep coming back to? I don’t have a fucking clue.

Unfortunately, this shop has been closed. It’s a real shame, she had some wonderful cards.

I’m not a mom. I don’t plan on ever becoming a mom. I don’t want kids, don’t particularly like kids, and if I were to get pregnant I’d probably die of a blood clot anyway. Plus I swear too much and I’m a really bad influence. My kids would be doomed to hell before they were even born. So that’s out; I’ll never be a mom-blogger. There goes 90% of the blogosphere, if you look at any directories. FYI, I respect all the mom-bloggers out there. I just don’t have any desire to become one of you.

I’m not all that sick. I mean, I’m sick; I have several ailments that will more than likely kill me someday. But I don’t like to bitch about it, because honestly there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don’t want my blog to be focused so much on my illness that I exclude all the wonderful, beautiful parts of life that I still get to experience every day. There are a bunch of sick-blogs already, if you are looking for that kind of thing I can help you find them.

My life may be pretty boring. Actually, even I find my life to be pretty boring at times. So why in the world would I expect anyone else to read about my boring life?

Because I’m honest, that’s why. I tell it like it is, even if you don’t want to hear it. I don’t say anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face. But really, is there a market for that kind of thing? Is anyone going to read this and say, damn, that’s some really refreshing honesty there, I’ll just keep reading until 5 minutes past the end of my lunch break.

I think I’m pretty funny. Maybe my most recent blog posts haven’t had the same humor to them, but that’s because I’ve been trying to fit in. Fitting in, as I’ve known my entire life but somehow forgot in the last few weeks, is way overrated. So I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m going to get my voice back. Maybe I’ll lose a few readers. Maybe I’ll gain a few more. I don’t get paid for this, so either way is fine by me.

All I can hope is that someday, someone finds me and appreciates what I have to say, with or without the f-bombs.

Very true.