It’s the little things…

Like expecting the super irritating anchor to be on CNN at 9am, and ending up watching Anderson Cooper instead. I heart Anderson Cooper. Gotta take pleasure in the small things, I guess.

I really can’t think of much else to say. I want to write a lot of things… Why I’m no longer with Isaac… What happened to Taffy… Why I have multiple kittens in my house… About my latest relationship… But all I can focus on right now is the intense heartburn I’m dealing with. I’m dizzy and weak and in so much pain that I can barely breathe, so nothing is coming out right. It’s certainly not coming out sounding very interesting. It all kind of sounds like an instruction manual. Do you want to spend your morning reading an instruction manual? Nah, probably not. So I’ll skip writing it.

Dealing with my new focus… There are plenty of “sick girl” diaries out there. Do I want to just write about my experiences? Do I want this to be somewhere where people can go for advice? Do I want people to give me advice? I have absolutely no idea. It seems I got to the general idea and gave up digging any further. Which is typical, I suppose. But really, is there anything special about me? Honestly, although I’d like to think so, probably not. My health issues are particular to me, but my experiences with those issues are shared by a shit ton of other people. Is that the point? Maybe.

Long story short, I don’t know what the effing point is. I guess I’ll just make it up as I go.

New Beginnings

So… It’s been almost two years. I could make up a whole lot of excuses, say that I was super busy, life was so exciting, lots of changes, blah blah blah. But the honest truth of the matter is, my life doesn’t look all that much different today than it did back then. I still work at the same restaurant. I still live in the same apartment. I still have the same best friend. Yay stability, I suppose? There have been some changes of course, but that’s not what kept me away. I just lost focus. That’s all. I just couldn’t figure out where I wanted this blog to go. And because that’s what I usually do when I can’t figure out which path to take, I just chose to stay stuck. But not anymore…

Anyone who has kept up with me for any length of time knows about my health struggles. Those aren’t news, so I won’t use up any energy to discuss those here (I will later, probably… no promises). But I have come to some important revelations as of late which I think have led me in this direction, and so I’ll share those with you.

The first revelation wasn’t even really mine. And it wasn’t even a revelation, but without calling it that this whole thing wouldn’t work, so we’ll just ignore that, ok? I went to see my endocrinologist last week because I’d been feeling really “blah” lately and wanted to see if I could get some blood work done to see if I needed my thyroid meds adjusted. I’d also gained 25 pounds in the last few months and had a feeling that was due to the thyroid meds as well. So anyway, there I sit, in a super sexy gown and my leggings, listening to this insanely thin Indian man tell me that I looked so much better now and that I looked like I was dying before, and I should just keep going with whatever I was doing, but if I was going to insist that I needed to lose weight (which I wasn’t really, I was more worried about the lack of energy given the job that I do) he would put me back on one of the other pills I used to take but I could only take it once every other day. Oh, and I needed to take the other one that went along with it. And I probably needed a second pill for heartburn. And no matter how much I hated that one he put me on a month ago, I still needed to take that one. Oh, but the thyroid pill? He wanted to lower my dose. LOWER. What was I supposed to do, tell him no? So I told him I’d try it. And I died a little inside. So now I’m 34 years old, I take 17 pills a day, and I still have no energy. This leads to my second revelation…

Being sick sucks. Anyone who has ever had a minor cold can tell you that. Being sick every day for the rest of your life? There is a certain level of frustration that comes with that. No one gets it. Friends don’t get it. Family doesn’t get it. Even the doctors don’t get it. I actually had a doctor in the ER say to me, and I quote, “I have no idea what to do with you”. Once I thought I had someone in my life who would get it, but I was wrong. And honestly, that’s ok. I don’t want anyone to get it. I don’t want people to understand. To really understand this means you’d have to be going through it too, and I wouldn’t wish this type of hell on earth on anyone. But this leads to my third revelation…

I needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. I needed a way to deal with the loneliness, the guilt, the depression, the hatred of my own body, without feeling like I was burdening my friends and family. I needed someone to vent to who wouldn’t tell me to cheer up or to stop being such a Debbie Downer. I needed to write. Just write it all down and get it all out and maybe, just maybe, find someone out there who was also awake at 4am because there was just too much pain to sleep, who knew how I felt and could suggest a new show on Netflix to keep me occupied. And thus, this blog found it’s direction…

In the next few days I may have to come up with a new title for it, but for now everything will stay the same. And I’ll still try to tie everything in; work, Etsy, life, etc. But the main focus, and goal, of this blog will be dealing with my chronic pain and illnesses. That’s really what I need right now, so that’s what y’all get. Sorry if it seems self-serving at times, or even self-pitying, but I guess we’ll have to take the good with the bad. And I promise, there is good. Some days will be awesome. Some days I might not be able to get out of bed. Some days I might be feeling really miserable, and it’ll show. Some days I won’t want to talk about being sick at all. Some days I’ll want to show off my cats (yes, plural. Long story). I can’t guarantee it’ll all be rainbows and unicorns; in fact, I can guarantee that it will not be all rainbows and unicorns. Maybe some alpacas, but hardly any unicorns. So be prepared.

Anyway, I’m not going to write too much more right now. It’s getting late and I need to at least try to sleep (I’ve gotten an hour in the last two nights). But I hope everyone will stick with me. And to anyone new who is visiting me for the first time… Hi! Welcome, come on in, grab a cup of tea or coffee or whiskey or whatever, and relax. This is my safe place, and I’d love to share it with you.